me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
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People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok