I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
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Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I love the National Park Service.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Namaste
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants