The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
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I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Look at this
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away