I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
You Might Also Like
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Warm pools make me nervous.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I’m already scared
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house