My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
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Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”