[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
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Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
A double negative is a big no-no.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
who will stop them
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.