My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
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For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!