Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
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50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t