Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
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My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks