Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
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I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Pringles
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.