*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
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My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Here
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off