[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
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[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
listen closely
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars