The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
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I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes