Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
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Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.