Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
You Might Also Like
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Facebook Twitter
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣