Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
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[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.