Stephen King ruined corn children for me
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*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
all that yoga finally paid off
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.