Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
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the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.