Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
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First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.