Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
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People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent