Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
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Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
My first child will be named New Folder.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.