Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
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Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats