FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
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[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Stop sending me this shit.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Dance like you’re not the father
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”