They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
You Might Also Like
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Rather alarming headline…
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive