Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
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Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
eggs benadryl
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom