Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
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Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL