The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
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My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.