Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
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Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Sponch
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure