Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
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“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
they should invent a hydrating liquor