My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
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This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.