I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
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Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.