I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
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Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
where’s Godzilla when we need him
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!