I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
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Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH