Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Merica.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror: