In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.