[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
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A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden