All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
The days of good grammer has went
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.