Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
You Might Also Like
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.