To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
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As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.