Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
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[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
My dating profile:
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay