My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
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BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi