Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
You Might Also Like
Why is this me 😫
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.