[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
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Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
#merica
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
bad
worse
worst
worchester