Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
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Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
so this horse walks into a bar
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to