[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
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Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
This kid is going places
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.