Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
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Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.