Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
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ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.