Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
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If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.