ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
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there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
🤔😂😂
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel