My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
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the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next